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24 March 2017

Keep walking towards; her and yourself!

  When we first met, we had no clarity on what we were doing. We followed the flow and bowed to our sensations and emotions. Later on, things got out of hands. We blocked each other numerous times. My count was greater when compared to her.

We drifted with the wave of lust and love combined. But the love was deep inside, not knowing to us anywhere. We went to many places in our city. I drove safe and she drove me crazy every single time. I am a failure in time management and she almost broke up with me when I made her wait for 90 minutes in a restaurant. That day we both cried looking, confronting and apologizing to each other.

She always want me to be independent, dynamic, successful, neat and clean. In the process of making me a perfect one, she lost the dire hope she had on me. Now, she got vexed of everything.

I made a fool of her and me at her college. I am feeling heavy to write this too. There came a situation, I begged her not to leave me and cried a river. She was... I can't express.

Later on, she disappeared. I kept calling her at times after losing control over myself. I got dreams that she is getting married with someone of her dad's choice or with her intent. Immediately, I used to call her and she insisted to even respond. If I had called her more times, I thought she might feel irritated or frustrated in more ways.

She wants me to accept the truth that she is no more looking for me and move on. That is when I got inked as IMBUED on my body, she can never see the tattoo until she falls in love with me. This tattoo gave a pain of hell to be frank. Yes, I want to feel it. So, I accepted it.

I run to have a glance over her, since her college bus passed by our street. Today, she changed her place, put ear phones, leaned her head over the front seat and covered her face. She knows that I'd be there waiting to look at her. She doesn't want to see me. I get it.
The idea of not responding to someone comes from the idea of not hurting them or not hurting yourself. 

I get hurt quite a lot but I want to make it special by remembering each and everything. I started noting my behavior and hers. I kept weeding out my bad habits which were making me weak gradually. I quit drinking and its been 15 days. I no more feel like drinking.

You do things which are not of your league only when you love someone. 
Self realization is the mother of counselling.
I am fine with her hurting me more and more. I am ready to consume it. I had decided to wait for her all my life. We must have seen in movies but that kind of love exists. Truly. I feel to do crazy things for her. At a period of time, when she said she skipped her periods and she feared it might be a symptom of Pregnancy... I put my Gold ring at Jewellery Pawn brokers and brought the money and kept ready for Abortion. She doesn't want to be defamed near her parents and I understand it.

Many things and sacrifices from me made her cringe and she always states that; Tarun... "You don't have to do this" but I feel that I had to do it. Love is a responsibility.
Her sacrifices and compromises changed me not immediately, but little late. Little late that she disappeared in that lateness.

Waiting for her is trying to find oasis in the desert but am walking, walking and walking, wandering for it in the open sands and with dusted eyes.

With Love &  Gratitude,

Signing off.

                                    -Imbued P Tarun